Joy....

So where to begin....well I typed this all up a few days ago, while Jacob was in the hospital after his biopsy.......I logged on tonight to finish up and publish it to my blog!  Only to log in and find it was completely blank............................................. Wow and I no longer have all of my notes from the napkins, scrap papers of things I had written down that really hit home for me.  So here I sit, having no idea where to start again.  Oh wait JOY!!!

Joy is translated from a Greek verb for rejoice.  Talk about the English language being difficult to learn...Greek, well thats exactly what it is to me........greek!  Without getting into the details of the Greek language....joy and grace are commonly tied together and closely related in the Greek language.  That instantly jogged my thought to Philippians 4:4, Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice.   I thought about that for a long time.... "ALWAYS" is a big word! That means in everything, rejoice in the Lord.  Good times and bad..... One cannot have complete joy without grace.  God's grace!  Without God's grace I can do nothing.  

This is something that I am really working on...Joy no matter what.  I found a definition of joy that I thought was amazing and put things into perspective for me but that was one of the quotes I had written down on a piece of paper that I no longer have.....(very sad).  With all of that being said and doing research into joy and God's purpose of joy and how it plays a role in Christian's lives....joy is bound within our relationship with Jesus and is a result of us following his lead and have a confidence that no matter the circumstance He is right beside us.  So in seeking out joy, I found that, that is not what I should be searching for...but rather my relationship with Christ and he will lead me to joy.  Joy that I may be able to share with others.

So this past weekend was a bit rough and I found myself being short and snappy with my words.  Stress, who would guess.  Of many things going on, I find myself having to prioritize remedial tasks, otherwise they may not get done.  I make one list, only to lose it so I start a second and manage to find the first list but can't find the second....it goes on and on.  So in my frustration and stress,  it begins to bother Brian because I am the one that always has the details and am very organized.  But Brian's reassurance never fails.  My rock!

Thursday arrived, my emotions were more than 90% spent and we still had to go through Friday (surgery day) and see how the results come out Saturday...... Do you ever feel like you can't make plans for something because you have to wait for confirmation on another question...which then leads to more questions and not a solid foundation?  Well thats how I have felt over the last  6 weeks.  Makayla was graciously invited to stay the weekend with friends, who were going to take her to see Annie (on Broad Way)...oh she had so much fun, and only wish I could have gone with her!  Upon dropping her clothes off at the neighbors...she gave me a big hug and asked if she could pray with me.  We sat on the couch as Monica prayed.  Oh what a feeling to have some many friends and family around that seek God first in everything!  I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear, as tears were streaming down my face.  Thank you, Monica!

Soon after returning home, my sister and her family arrived....they were "passing" through town (the long way around) and wanted to stop by to pray with us before Jacob's biopsy.  In the last few years, we have not been able to spend as much time together as we always did.  It was great!!!  Though our house has been in total disarray for a couple of weeks, because of remodeling the hall bath, I felt relaxed.  The kids were able to play briefly, they prayed for us, and once again I couldn't help but squeeze Brian's hand, smile ear to ear and cry as my brother-in-law prayed!  They had to hit the road, as it was already late and they still had a ways to drive.  Thank you, Lizzy and Josh!

Friday, 4 a.m. came rather early, as we had only gone to bed a few hours before getting everything packed up and ready to stay at the hospital for two weeks!  We brought Makayla with us, so that she could be a part of everything going on....it was a huge shock when we arrived that she would not be allowed in the pre-op room.  But since my wonderful mother and come, we all rotated out sitting between Jacob in pre-op and Makayla in the waiting area.  The time came and Brian and I walked into the operating room with Jacob.  As the medicines began to flow, tears streamed down his face.  We both leaned over and kissed his forehead, and we were asked to step out.  No matter the circumstance, how minor or major....that feeling of helplessness is never easy.  I pulled myself together and met up with my Mom and Makayla in the waiting area.  Makayla was of course starving...... So my mom, Makayla and I headed down to McDonald's (2 floors down) to eat breakfast.

Upon arriving back in the waiting area, Brian had already gone back to recovery.  So I go back to find Jacob half awake asking for a popsicle.  Though he had slurred speech, by golly he was going to eat that popsicle.  The doctor stepped in for a bit to tell us everything went well and he had asked the pathologist for a preliminary report that day.   That was great news!  No more waiting (at least for the immediate news)......Jacob received a room a couple of hours later.....My mom took Makayla with her when she left to spend the afternoon with GG and to get her nails and toes painted!!!  Jacob had to lay flat for 12 hours and in bed for 24....he never minded since he was able to watch as many movies and play as many games as he wanted!!!

Around 4 p.m., the doctor arrived with great news..........Jacob did not have the aggressive cells that everyone was expecting, as he had on his last biopsy.  This meant we would be going home the next day.......so much for needing to pack for two weeks!  But that's ok!!!  His course of treatment would be decided once all of the reports were received.  God's plan is so much larger than our's!  I know at that moment I felt joy....a source of delight, its what lies underneath all emotions, no matter what happens.......Is it easier to feel joyful when everything is going well?  Well of course!  But God's grace provides us with the opportunity to have joy regardless of the situation.  A quiet confidence that God is in control.

Brian decided he would head home before Friday evening traffic.  So there it was...just Jacob and I.  Exactly what I wanted.....Brian told him he had to read so many minutes for every few minutes he played his game.....well Daddy wasn't there.  So we played video games the whole time!  Him mostly, as I am not very good.  The games these days are much harder than the regular nintendo games I use to play.  Jacob played his games, I read and watched TV....nice and calm.  Later that evening some friends stopped by that I had not seen in a long time.  It was great to catch up, and I do believe that I talked their ears off!  They stayed till 11 p.m, Jacob had asleep whilee watching the 4th movie of Star Wars.  When they left, I made sure Jacob was asleep, and stepped out to the nurses station.  I checked in letting them know I was going to run downstairs to grab something to eat and would be right back.  Of course the only think open all night in the hospital is McDonalds.......(in St. Lukes of all places..they are known for the phenomenal cardiology care...but yet McDonald looms in the basement).....so I go down 12 floors, cross the street and go to the McDonalds.  Forget eating health, as I hadn't eaten since 9 a.m.  

As I'm standing in line, I make small talk with a lady and her son in front of me.  They both had on visitor tags and I couldn't help but notice the exhaustion and burden they seemed to be carrying.  You could tell they both had been crying, but I dare not ask.  But she turns to me and says, "Is your child in the hospital?" and I replied "yes, is your's?"  She smiled grimly and said "yes, he is 11 years old and was just diagnosed with retinoblastoma."  How my heart sank.........Her tears immediately welled up, as if just saying the words made all the pain come back.  I put my arm around her and told her that God was in control.  She did not reply....we talked a little bit of small talk, and I told her why we were in the hospital, and a little bit of our history with Makayla's cancer.  She asked, "how do you stay so positive?"  I paused for a moment and thought.....The only thing I could say was "Are you a Christian? God gives me the joy and courage to face even the toughest situations.  God does not promise days without pain, days without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He does promise strength for the day, comfort for tears, and a light for the way."  Her son had already turned away, as if not interested in what I had to say.  She turned without saying a word.  As they were called next in line, her son (with beautiful cotton blonde hair) turned to me with tears streaming down his face and said "Thank you.  I have been trying to get her to come to church for a long time, maybe she will come now."  Without losing my composure, I said sure and got out of line.  I walked outside to the street, where a flood of emotion could no longer be held back.  I pulled myself together and realized I had been gone for about 25 minutes.  I needed to get back to Jacob....I returned to McDonalds (thank goodness the lines had gone down) and ordered a giant cheese burger, fries, coke, and 2 apple pies.

Upon arriving back to the floor and checking back in at the nurses station, I walk in the room to find Jacob smiling, staring at the door.  He asked me what I was doing, and I was just as quick to respond and ask him why he was awake.  He said "Well I heard you tell the nurses you were going to go get something to eat, and I wanted to stay awake to make sure you came back."  I couldn't help but smile....I put my bag down, and climbed in bed with him.  OH....how much I have to be thankful for!!! After he fell back to sleep, I slipped out of bed and took a few bites of my burger, which was totally cold, but it didn't matter.  I was tired...which never happens.  So I threw my dinner away, as I was no longer hungry.....and went to sleep.

I had just started reading a book that several friends had recommended.  It is a christian novel, based on extreme circumstances. A phrase in the book really stood out to me:  "Grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."  It does not get more truer than that.  God's grace.....who in their right mind sends their only son to die for a lost and dying world?  God did!!!  Without that grace there would be no reason to live.  Without grace, no one could have true joy.  So in my effort to be joyful I learned that seeking Jesus first, no matter the circumstance, Joy is the result!

*Just a footnote, we do not have Jacob's full results yet, and as soon as we do I will let you know.  He is doing well and we have actually started to talk about small vacation plans (that do not include international travel this year), but plans to hang out where Jacob can have access to his type of food, and not too far from the medical center.