Standing Still!

I cannot begin to tell you how relaxed I feel after our weekend away........We had a great time! Minus a little mishap on Friday, everything else was gravy!  My longing to get away from reality for just a few days turned into a relaxing retreat that has me yearning for more.

We didn't go far, but we loaded the trailer and the boat down and hit the road.  We reached the park Thursday evening and were taken back by the view.......

We had three days of nothing to do....That is heaven for me.  I was calling it a camping trip...as most would do because we were "camping."  But Brian insisted on calling it a "get-away."  At first I didn't think much about it, but after he corrected me several times, I began to try to understand the difference and why was he correcting me.  Here is what I came up with:

Camping - insinuates a outdoor recreational activity, usually involving some kind of physical activity, like hiking, or bicycle riding (which we left at home on purpose)........

"Get-away" - a time to do nothing...not on a schedule.....no physical activity.............time to reflect.

My devotional Friday morning read:

"Christ never asks of us such busy labor that leaves no time for resting at His feet.  The waiting attitude of expectation, He often counts a server most complete."  

So in the busyness of everyone's lives, we do not take the time to sit and listen.  We always have something to say or something that needs to be done.  But this past weekend we relaxed.

Friday was going to be a day that it was just Brian and I.  We had gotten up early enough to bring the kids back to town for school.  So I get back to the lake after dropping the kids off at school and Brian and I head out on the boat.  He had already dropped off some "jugs."  (which are very hard to explain to someone in writing, but heres a shot.....its is a piece of PVC pipe with caps on each end and a weight on the inside.  On the outside of the PVC pipe a "swimming noodle" is placed on one end.....the opposite end is about a 12 ft piece of fishing line with a weight and hooks........they lay flat on the water till a fish pulls the baited hook, which then makes the weight inside pull to the bottom, making the whole thing stand up like a flag.......I really hope that helps).  So we start across the lake to check on the jug lines.  Several were standing up which means, usually, there is a fish.  After checking several and all of the bait was gone and no fish....we just sat there and let the current take us.  We talked for a while, he was straightening stuff up around the boat...I threw out a fishing line.......Nothing.  It was nice........!  Several hours later, after eating lunch and heading back out for a couple of hours before I had to return to town to get the kids from school......I decided to step over a bucket that had hooks lining it....well............one leg made it over no problem, the second was not so lucky!  Yep! you know what happened..............three hooks hit my right left (calf area)....two caused superficial damage, while the 3rd does its job of catching stuff and goes in and out the other side!  I was HOOKED! I was trying to stand still, as my leg was now attached to the bucket that the hook was also attached too.

After several attempts of trying to locate pliers large enough to cut the hook so we could pull it out, I ended up in the ER.  I was the laugh of the ER, as most of the men asked if my husband was trying to catch a shark because the hook was so big.  However the doctor made lite of the situation and convinced me it could have happened to anyone....sensing she could tell I felt like an idiot!  The hospital did not have any pliers large enough but just small enough to cut the hook either....so the next option.....cut it out.  So thats what they did.  The best part about all of that.....well I really didn't have an option anymore of what I would be doing for the weekend.

"Our greatest strength may be our ability to stand still and trust God."

The weekend flew by, but we did relax and enjoy it.  Even though I was instructed not to get in the lake (due to possible infection), I was able to pull Brian and my father-in-law, in a massive tube, behind the boat.  They both acted as if I was scared to throw them.....however, they were dislodged from the tube several times....

I felt refreshed.  My anxiety was gone, though reality was just around the corner....feeling recharged, is GREAT!  We are nothing without Jesus, so give Him the credit.  In the midst of everything that goes on in life, we have to learn to STAND STILL!

 Dear Lord, thank you for vacation time when we can rest and renew our strength. Help us to remember to include you in everything we do. Amen.

Coming up for Air

Coming up for Air........

That's how I feel right now.  I have just enough breath to make it to Thursday!  The last several weeks have been tiring.  Regardless of letting the anxiety or stress go...no sleep, sick kids and work, is tiring!  Since last Tuesday, when Jacob scared me to death with his blood pressure issues, I have been on edge.  I officially entered the "fog."  At work I am responsible for.....well about everything that it takes to manage an office.  And with that said, I have a new boss.  She is great, but just learning a new rhythm can be tiring too!

Praise the Lord, by last Thursday evening Jacob's blood pressure had finally returned to normal, after having no medication for more than 72 hours.  The doctor has instructed for him not to take anything else till we see him on the 24th and by then he will have a new game plan.  I actually felt like I had breathing room when he said that!!!

Friday - well my thoughts for the day never came to fruition, therefore.....well I wasn't in the best mood, but none the less, I had the day off.

Saturday, we went to the Dogwood Festival in Woodville.  Its always a great time to watch a down home parade and eat fair food.

Sunday - well thats where my fog met reality.  Last weekend was by brother's birthday, but his dedication to homework had us push off any celebration till Easter Weekend.  No problem, we were all going to be together anyways.  I woke up about 4 a.m. sick.  I go back to be around 5, with my alarm set for 6.  Well I didn't wake till 8 a.m.  I needed to take a shower, iron clothes for church, make a banana pudding, (at my brother's request) and get myself and the kids ready, in one hour!  A path headed straight for a collision.  And that's exactly what happened.  My anxiety took over, which comes out to everyone else, as yelling!  Primarily at Makayla because she was trying to wear cowboy boots with a very nice Easter dress.  I know so stupid to get mad about, but at the time I felt justified in going crazy over the fact she was trying to step into a white dress with muddy cowboy boots......ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Brian politely told me that I need to back off and calm down.  Most of the time I take a deep breath and back off.  But not today.....I felt like my insides were going to explode.  By now it is well after 9 a.m.......I take off my dress and go back to bed.  I knew the devil had won that battle.  I felt defeated that I let myself get so upset about little things!  I don't think that I have ever officially had a panic attack, but if that was one....well I understand now.  After about 2 hours of sulking and crying my eyes out.....of all days!  Easter Sunday!!!  Brian had already left for church with the kids.  Being the wonderful and wise husband that he is, he left my car with the keys in the seat, because he knew I would come.  I quickly grabbed my dress off the floor, touched up my make up and ran out the door. (leaving the Bible on the counter).  I arrive at church only about 15 minutes into the 2nd service.  Everyone was still singing, so I'm sure no one noticed how late I was.  I was not going to let the devil win....especially not on Easter.  Brian never said a word, just put his arm around me and smiled.  I couldn't help but know he loves me no matter what.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

 - Proverbs 15:1

Church ended and we quickly ran home, grabbed our stuff and the banana pudding and hit the road to my Mom and Dad's house.  We arrive a fashionable 45 minutes late....as everyone was waiting to eat.  We all take quick pictures and eat.  It ended up being a nice relaxing day.  The weather was impeccable.  On the way home, I told Brian that I thought my anxiety was out of control.....I was prepared for his answer to be "its in your head."  Which would totally have been a guy answer.  But he didn't......He told me that I needed to study the bible for specific "anxiety" bible verses...keep them close and read them over and over again when I begin to get anxious.  Well that leads into Monday morning................

I get to work, on time for a Monday!  My boss arrives and we begin to chat about our weekends.  In the midst of me telling her about my all out panic attack because of a white dress and cowboy boots.....she said, you know what's funny is my mother-in-law is doing a bible study on anxiety and she gave me a sheet of Bible verses about anxiety.  As she was saying this she brought out a piece of paper with 12 Bible verses.  She said that she had told her mother-in-law about the new job and stresses, so she thought she should have a copy.  Coincidence????? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!  I couldn't believe it!  Maybe my husband knows what he is talking about after all.......................  I asked if I could make a copy, she said of course.  WOW!!!  God still AMAZES me!  I didn't even have to do the research......He put it in my hands.  (not to mention she told me I could have a few days off...........to relax!)

So that is exactly what we are going to do!!!  We are headed out of town to the lake to celebrate Brian's birthday, fishing, swimming and skiing with no phones, tv or any electronic equipment....(except for the trailer....but that doesn't count).

Here's to a beautiful weekend, with our toes in the sand!!!  Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which direction?

I know that my last two blogs have been really long.....Brian always tells people, when we approach a "story," you want my version or hers?  Insinuating mine is always much longer, but includes every detail.......... Maybe its a female thing, maybe we are just more detail oriented then men.  With that said, I always take Jacob to the doctor, for fear of missing a detail, or Brian not asking the questions that I want, or just merely releasing that control...........I think that I am being taught that, once again things are out of my control. 

I mentioned in the last blog that I feel that Brian and I are at a cross roads in our family....so many questions waiting for answers and when some are answered it creates more questions........Something that is going on right now is Jacob's health!  He was doing so well up to a couple of months ago.  He had played two seasons of football and been able to be such a normal little kid.  No one ever knew he was receiving immune therapy every month (and thank goodness for that, he didn't even have a cold for two years).  He usually had a down day each month after his therapy because of severe headaches, but he bounced back instantaneously and was normal once again!  So a couple of months ago, when we felt we were thrown head first back into health problems, it took us a few days to focus.  My initial response is always a feeling of panic, not of "how are we going to do this again," but more "have I been missing signs that I could have prevented it from getting worse."  This in turn causes anxiety!  Praying for wisdom and God's direction should be the first place I go, but I have to be honest and say I usually panic first, break down....and then realize...wait "God's hand is healing and God's hand is in everything."  This is not something that I feel at peace about all the time, but something that I have to fervently pray about and remind myself.  On the hard days, I have to repeat it continuously.  This is out of my control! 

The last couple of days have been particularly hard.......

Friday, Jacob's kidney Dr called to discuss the full biopsy report.  I was so excited that we finally had some answers.  He began by telling us the inflammation in his kidneys is much more minimal then initially thought (Praise God).  He had IgA deposits and scarring, which were something we had already expected.  He did indicate that from his first acute renal failure episode, he had significant scarring, but thinks he can even minimize that.  We discussed medications and a game plan.  Medications - Fish Oil....and not a normal supplement dose.  100x the normal supplement dose.  He warned us that his skin could begin to smell and have other issues related with taking some much fish oil.  I was relieve to find out that fish oil to that magnitude is available by prescription for two reasons....1) he would have to take 10 "horse" pills every morning along with his other meds, but instead only has to take one....2) if he had to take the supplement he would get mercury poisoning because over the counter supplements of fish oil are not regulated by the FDA and they contain high levels of mercury. (An added bonus we get a 30 day supply for $2.00 instead of $30!)  Second medication - blood pressure meds.  This took me off guard a bit, as through everything he has been through his blood pressure has NEVER been an issue.  The doctor indicated that the side effect of this particular medication would reduce his protein output, and in turn the vicious cycle would come to an end and the fish oil could do its work.  However, he did warn that it could go in the opposite direction causing more damage.  Just mentioning blood pressure medication gave me an uneasy feeling.  I don't know why!  But the doctor said he has several patients on this protocol and it has shown to improve kidney function and reduce scarring!  He told us that he needs to see results in 3 months or he will have no option but to put him back on steroids and immunosuppressants.  So thats where we left it.  I immediately hung up the phone and told Brian what the doctor had just discussed with me.  This time Brian was the one with all of the questions..........

Saturday - Jacob starts his new medications with no problems.  He is dying to be able to do regular things again, but his two weeks isn't up till next weekend.  So he mozzies around, while getting in trouble for carrying a scrap piece of wood across the yard because him and Makayla are building a fort.  He isn't supposed to push or pull anything...or pick anything up over 2 pounds.  Needless to say Brian was not a happy camper when he found him carrying about 30lbs across the yard.  Jacob spent the rest of the day inside.....staring out, wanting to go play with his friends next door.  Luckily we have amazing neighbors and they noticed Jacob was not outside playing with the rest of the kids, so they sent their son over to hang out with Jacob and watch movies. 

Sunday - once again no issues.  We spent with day with my husband's brother and his family.  They recently moved within an hour of us, which is the first time in 10 years.  The kids played and we even let them swim....the water was still freezing to me, so I didn't get in.  It was a great visit and nice to relax!!!

Monday - Jacob and Makayla went to school as  normal, but around 12:30, I receive a call from the school nurse.  His blood pressure was 82/60...low.  He had a headache and only wanted to sleep.  I called the doctor's office.  They were not overly concerned because they said it takes a few days to build up in the system and get use to the side effects.  They also said to start giving it to him at night.  So the plan was to start giving the blood pressure meds at night, starting with Tuesday night.  He rested without getting out of bed all day Monday.

Tuesday - Off to school.  My phone rings at 9:30 a.m., the school nurse.  She had to get him out of class, while disoriented and confused.  This time his blood pressure was 80/59........So my panic that started yesterday and was put to rest a bit came back with a vengeance.  He had not had any blood pressure medication in over 24 hours.  I called the dr office, in a panic and am able to talk to the nurse right away.  She gave strict instructions for him to lay down in bed, stay hydrated and stop taking the blood pressure meds.  A few minutes later the doctor had called back and wanted to do some labs to check his kidney function.  He told me he was concerned that this medication was doing the opposite effect and his kidneys was not releasing the medication properly, therefore, it was building in his system, but not leaving!  After sitting at the school till a little after 10, for him to understand what was going on, and talking to the dr, we go straight to the lab.  He spent the rest of the day in bed, soaking up me waiting on him!!!  But each time he gets up his blood pressure dips really low!  The doctor is supposed to call us with further instructions, once the lab work from today comes back.  (praying for tomorrow!!!)

My panic and anxiety today have been the highest, since I can't remember when!  I probably need the blood pressure meds about right now!  I'm trying to avoid the "fog" that I talked about in my first blog, as I feel it creeping up on me.  I don't want to be in sometime of brain fog....I want to be in the here and now.  I am curious how other people are doing, how their days are......but when the "fog" takes over, I am in survival mode.  Its about control, which once again is something that I struggle with.  But without giving this "control" over to Jesus, the anxiety and panic will continue to rise. 

Well, I think that's it, in a nut shell!!!  (lol)  An update, and box of "whine" all in one fell swoop!  I ask that you continue to pray for Jacob, that God's will be done in his life.  I also ask that you pray for our family.  I know we still have unknown turns in the road ahead and ask that Jesus be our guide in which direction he wants us to go.

Thanks and goodnight!!!